In honor of our Mennonite cousins, a little Mennonite humour.
The Amish are in actuality, a Mennonite sect, having left the Mennonites many years ago. Today, most Mennonites drive automobiles, have electricity and church houses. The traditional Mennonite groups have maintained plain dress, head coverings for the ladies and non-resistance as a way of life and shun more worldly entertainments like radio and television when the neighbors are looking.

Mennonite Jokes

Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

Q. What happens when you take one Mennonite fishing?
A. He drinks all your beer.
Q. What happens when you take two Mennonites fishing?
A. They don’t drink any of your beer.
Q. How many Mennonites do you take on a fishing trip?
A. At least two so they won’t drink all your beer.

Q. What’s the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A. About three degrees.

Q. What’s the difference between a Mennonite girl and a water buffalo?
A. About 12 pounds of hair.
Q. How do you make them weigh the same?
A. Shave the Mennonite lass.

Q. What’s the difference between a Mennonite boy and a rock?
A. The rock moves faster.

Q. What is the difference between a Lutheran and a Mennonite ?
A. A Lutheran will say ‘hello’ to you in a liquor store!

Q. What’s the shortest book in the world?
A. Mennonite war heroes.

Q. How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven – one to actually change the bulb and six to complain that they liked the old one better.

Q. Why don’t Mennonite women wear sleeveless dresses?
A. They refuse to bare arms.

Q. What goes black and white, black and white, black and white?
A. An Old Order Mennonite somersaulting down a hill.

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two Mennonites found a penny.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mennonite and a Japanese car?
A. A TOYODER

Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in a Mennonite Church?
A. A visitor.

Q. What is the definition of a Mennonite?
A. Somebody that can buy from a Jew and sell to an Amishman and still make a profit!

Q. How do you break a Mennonite’s neck?
A. You walk all around his car.

Q. How many conservative Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. We couldn’t possibly change the original bulb.

“Being Mennonite never stopped me from sinning – just from enjoying it!”

He could have been an Anabaptist, but he wanted to live a little Luther.

Name a serious Mennonite ethical dilemma: Free beer.

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Amish Beer Stein
by VisitTheAmish

Amish Beer Stein Horse & Buggy
by VisitTheAmish

Amish Stand-Up Humour

It all began in Micah Yoder’s barn. On Saturday nights, after the milking,
the young people would gather to hear Brother Jeb Foxyoder’s funny sayings.

Jeb would quip about idiosyncrasies of the Amish and the English.
Eventually, it evolved into his famous “You Just Might Be An English” routine and equally funny, “You Just Might Be Amish” bit.

Yep, ol’ Jeb was on his way to fame, working the Amish Comedy Barn circuit, this rising star left them laughing in his wake.
Then one day, an English boy named Jeff heard Jeb’s act.
Stealing Jeb’s act and his name, this city slicker went on to make many
recordings of his “Redneck” jokes.

Without the benefit of the devil’s recording devises, Jeb disappeared into obscurity.
Those hearing his act no longer found it fresh.
He was accused of being the imitator rather than the innovator.

The Amish lost a great comic, but here for your pleasure are Jeb’s original routines.
(Hint: If you are not Amish, you ARE English)

You Just Might Be Amish

If you have ever asked, “Does this shade of black make me look fat?”
If you have ever said, “Hide the lightbulbs, the Bishop is coming!”
If you have a “Born To Raise Barns” tattoo
If you have ever taken your buggy through the drive-thru
If you can tell a Clydesdale from a Belgium
If you consider Thomas Alva Edison a troublemaker
If you have a phone booth in your front yard
If you and your wife had the same last name before you were married
If dinner always includes dessert
You Just Might Be Amish !

You Just Might Be English

If you have ever taken a bath in the middle of the week
If you know who shot JR
If you have never gone barefoot to church
If you have fewer than 10 children
If your church doesn’t meet in a barn
If you have ever eaten a TV dinner
If you have never been to an auction
If less than 500 people attended your wedding
If you have ever hired a building contractor
If higher gasoline prices concern you
If your wife has never pulled a plow
If you have a high school diploma
If earning a living does not entail a pitchfork or hammer
If you have ever been woken up at 3 a.m. by the telephone
If a Clydesdale reminds you of Budweiser
If you are reading this on the Internet
You Just Might Be English !

Remember, these are the intellectual property of the Amish – do not copy or forward without including a link back to this page. Thank you.

COPYRIGHT 2000,2001,2019 Dennis Regling

Wooden Amish Buggy Sign Mud-Sale
by VisitTheAmish

Wooden Amish Sign
by VisitTheAmish

Amish Buggy Totebag Tote Bag
by VisitTheAmish

ON VIDEOTAPING THE AMISH

Something that has been bothering me as well as the other Amish back home is you city folks and your obsession with going to Sugarcreek with your video cameras and making home movies of the Amish.
What you are doing is pretty much, capturing FARMERS ON FILM!
How boring. And it wonders me chust why would you do such a
thing that was so boring? Until I stayed in a motel and watched cable TV and I realized you English watch GOLF!
Golf would be a lot more exciting if you added some farming stuff.
Have a few cows running around, maybe a manure trap or two.
There’s a fella lining up a straight nine foot put…
But he’s got to get past those chickens.
And those birds don’t stand still.
It’s rolling nice but look out…
one of the chickens is trying to hatch his ball!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

An Amishman runs into the bishop of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you at service this morning,” the Bishop says.
“Well, Bishop”, the Amishman says, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”

Amos and Eli were out hunting one day when Eli all but fell into a deep dark hole. Hey Amos, what do you reckon this hole is? asked Eli. Amos said it was an old mine shaft. How deep you figger it is? asked Eli. Amos suggested they throw in a rock and listen for it to hit bottom. They did, but never heard it hit. So they decided to throw in a bigger rock. Still nothing. Let us find something real big suggested Amos. Soon Eli was dragging an old railroad tie out of the woods and the two Amish men heaved it into the hole. A moment later, a goat sped past them and jumped into the hole. “What was that?” Eli asked. “Looked like a goat, but I never seen one move so fast,” replied Amos.
Shortly, an old-timer sauntered out of the woods and asked the two Amish men if they had seen a goat. Amos told about the goat that had raced by them and jumped into the hole. The oldtimer replied, “That couldn’t have been my goat. He wouldn’t have been able to run that fast tied to that old railroad tie.”

Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

Two fellers were in desperate need of cash but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot. However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them. Calmly, the Amishman said, “Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.”

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman. Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.
Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. “Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you’re talking to?”
“Says he’s a politician, Pop,” Luke said.
“In that case, you’d better bring the cow inside with you.”

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed an Amishman leaning on a fence. “Think it’s safe to cross?” the man asked.
“I reckon so,” replied the Amishman. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the Amishman, “I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!”
“Well,” said the Amishman, scratching his head, “It only come up chest-high on my ducks!”

Riddles

Q: How do you fit 17 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction

Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang?
A: Amish drive-by shooting.

Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met an Amishman. He told the Amishman his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the Amishman.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh, I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the Amishman. “She doesn’t know anything about cars.”

One Sunday evening the Amish community had gathered together for a special meeting with a visiting preacher.
The meeting went well and the singing was grand. When it came time to dismiss, the Bishop asked Brother Caleb Troyer to dismiss the group in prayer. Brother Caleb started praying, and as he did tender words fell from his lips. With trembling, he besought God’s mercy.
Soon folk were going to the alter, praying, sobbing and many new dedications were made. In fact, the meeting broke out in a new spirit and continued on for another two hours.
That evening on the way home, Brother Josh Mast turned to his wife riding alongside him in their buggy. Josh said, “You know Martha, I have known Caleb Troyer many years. And Brother Caleb Troyer is a fine man, a hard worker, a good father and a good neighbor. I know Brother Caleb Troyer reads his Bible daily and prays regularly. Yep, Brother Caleb is a fine man, but he sure ain’t no hand to dismiss a meeting.”

An Amish couple drove several miles down a country road in their buggy, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws!�

An Amish lad is standing beside the road with a big load of wooden crates that just tipped over off his wagon. A man passing by notices the young man struggling to get the crates picked up. The young Amish lad is huffing and puffing and sweating profusely working very hard on a very hot day with the sun beating down on him. The man asks the Amish lad why he is working so hard when it is so hot outside and he could seriously injure himself or get heat stressed. The Amish lad replies, that he needs to get these crates picked up or his father will kill him.
“You need to slow down,” replied the man, “before the heat overtakes you. You should take a break.”
The Amish lad relents to the advice of his elder, and the two sit under a shade tree and drink some fresh water the traveler happened to have with him.
The man then asked of the lad, “Where is your father? Maybe I should have a talk with him and straighten this all out.”
“He’s underneath all of them crates,” answered the Amish lad.

An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about these drivers.”
So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, “That sign didn’t help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens.”
So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, “Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?”
The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, let’s see if yours works better.”
He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.
“Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers…”
So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman’s house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

An Amishman had stolen some lumber and soon got to feeling very guilty about it. He was too embarrassed to go to his Amish bishop. Thus he decided to go to confession at a Catholic church to deal with his transgression.
In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
“What was your sin, my son?” asked the priest.
“I stole some lumber, Father,” replied the penitent.
“How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest.
“Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse.”
The priest replied, “Well, that’s not so bad.”
The penitent interrupted him. “Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage.”
The priest then responded, “Now that’s a little more serious!”
The penitent again interrupted the priest, “Father, I’ve got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!”
With a look of shock, the priest then responded, “Well, that is most serious. I’m afraid that you’ll have to make a novena.”
The penitent Amishman looked perplexed and then said, “Father, I don’t know what a novena is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber.”

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