It all began in Micah Yoder’s barn. On Saturday nights, after the milking,
the young people would gather to hear Brother Jeb Foxyoder’s funny sayings.
Jeb would quip about idiosyncrasies of the Amish and the English. Eventually, it evolved into his famous “You Just Might Be An English” routine and equally funny, “You Just Might Be Amish” bit.
Yep, ol’ Jeb was on his way to fame, working the Amish Comedy Barn circuit, this rising star left them laughing in his wake. Then one day, an English boy named Jeff heard Jeb’s act. Stealing Jeb’s act and his name, this city slicker went on to make many recordings of his “Redneck” jokes.
Without the benefit of the devil’s recording devises, Jeb disappeared into obscurity.
Those hearing his act no longer found it fresh.
He was accused of being the imitator rather than the innovator.
The Amish lost a great comic, but here for your pleasure are Jeb’s original routines.
(Hint: If you are not Amish, you ARE English)
You Just Might Be Amish
If you have ever asked, “Does this shade of black make me look fat?” If you have ever said, “Hide the lightbulbs, the Bishop is coming!” If you have a “Born To Raise Barns” tattoo If you have ever taken your buggy through the drive-thru If you can tell a Clydesdale from a Belgium If you consider Thomas Alva Edison a troublemaker If you have a phone booth in your front yard If you and your wife had the same last name before you were married If dinner always includes dessert You Just Might Be Amish !
You Just Might Be English
If you have ever taken a bath in the middle of the week If you know who shot JR If you have never gone barefoot to church If you have fewer than 10 children If your church doesn’t meet in a barn If you have ever eaten a TV dinner If you have never been to an auction If less than 500 people attended your wedding If you have ever hired a building contractor If higher gasoline prices concern you If your wife has never pulled a plow If you have a high school diploma If earning a living does not entail a pitchfork or hammer If you have ever been woken up at 3 a.m. by the telephone If a Clydesdale reminds you of Budweiser If you are reading this on the Internet You Just Might Be English !
Remember, these are the intellectual property of the Amish – do not copy or forward without including a link back to this page. Thank you.
Something that has been bothering me as well as the other Amish back home is you city folks and your obsession with going to Sugarcreek with your video cameras and making home movies of the Amish. What you are doing is pretty much, capturing FARMERS ON FILM! How boring. And it wonders me chust why would you do such a thing that was so boring? Until I stayed in a motel and watched cable TV and I realized you English watch GOLF! Golf would be a lot more exciting if you added some farming stuff. Have a few cows running around, maybe a manure trap or two. There’s a fella lining up a straight nine foot put… But he’s got to get past those chickens. And those birds don’t stand still. It’s rolling nice but look out… one of the chickens is trying to hatch his ball!
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
An Amishman runs into the bishop of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you at service this morning,” the Bishop says. “Well, Bishop”, the Amishman says, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”
Amos and Eli were out hunting one day when Eli all but fell into a deep dark hole. Hey Amos, what do you reckon this hole is? asked Eli. Amos said it was an old mine shaft. How deep you figger it is? asked Eli. Amos suggested they throw in a rock and listen for it to hit bottom. They did, but never heard it hit. So they decided to throw in a bigger rock. Still nothing. Let us find something real big suggested Amos. Soon Eli was dragging an old railroad tie out of the woods and the two Amish men heaved it into the hole. A moment later, a goat sped past them and jumped into the hole. “What was that?” Eli asked. “Looked like a goat, but I never seen one move so fast,” replied Amos. Shortly, an old-timer sauntered out of the woods and asked the two Amish men if they had seen a goat. Amos told about the goat that had raced by them and jumped into the hole. The oldtimer replied, “That couldn’t have been my goat. He wouldn’t have been able to run that fast tied to that old railroad tie.”
Did you hear about the Amish Flu? There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.
Two fellers were in desperate need of cash but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot. However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them. Calmly, the Amishman said, “Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.”
That last joke was a real head-turner.
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman. Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. “Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you’re talking to?” “Says he’s a politician, Pop,” Luke said. “In that case, you’d better bring the cow inside with you.”
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed an Amishman leaning on a fence. “Think it’s safe to cross?” the man asked. “I reckon so,” replied the Amishman. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the Amishman, “I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!” “Well,” said the Amishman, scratching his head, “It only come up chest-high on my ducks!”
Riddles
Q: How do you fit 17 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction
Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang? A: Amish drive-by shooting.
Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.
A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met an Amishman. He told the Amishman his story. “Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the Amishman. “Yes, yes,” the man replied. “Oh, I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the Amishman. “She doesn’t know anything about cars.”
One Sunday evening the Amish community had gathered together for a special meeting with a visiting preacher. The meeting went well and the singing was grand. When it came time to dismiss, the Bishop asked Brother Caleb Troyer to dismiss the group in prayer. Brother Caleb started praying, and as he did tender words fell from his lips. With trembling, he besought God’s mercy. Soon folk were going to the alter, praying, sobbing and many new dedications were made. In fact, the meeting broke out in a new spirit and continued on for another two hours. That evening on the way home, Brother Josh Mast turned to his wife riding alongside him in their buggy. Josh said, “You know Martha, I have known Caleb Troyer many years. And Brother Caleb Troyer is a fine man, a hard worker, a good father and a good neighbor. I know Brother Caleb Troyer reads his Bible daily and prays regularly. Yep, Brother Caleb is a fine man, but he sure ain’t no hand to dismiss a meeting.”
An Amish couple drove several miles down a country road in their buggy, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws!�
An Amish lad is standing beside the road with a big load of wooden crates that just tipped over off his wagon. A man passing by notices the young man struggling to get the crates picked up. The young Amish lad is huffing and puffing and sweating profusely working very hard on a very hot day with the sun beating down on him. The man asks the Amish lad why he is working so hard when it is so hot outside and he could seriously injure himself or get heat stressed. The Amish lad replies, that he needs to get these crates picked up or his father will kill him. “You need to slow down,” replied the man, “before the heat overtakes you. You should take a break.” The Amish lad relents to the advice of his elder, and the two sit under a shade tree and drink some fresh water the traveler happened to have with him. The man then asked of the lad, “Where is your father? Maybe I should have a talk with him and straighten this all out.” “He’s underneath all of them crates,” answered the Amish lad.
An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.” “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about these drivers.” So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, “That sign didn’t help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens.” So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, “Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, let’s see if yours works better.” He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going. “Did you put up your sign?” “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers…” So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman’s house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
An Amishman had stolen some lumber and soon got to feeling very guilty about it. He was too embarrassed to go to his Amish bishop. Thus he decided to go to confession at a Catholic church to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. “What was your sin, my son?” asked the priest. “I stole some lumber, Father,” replied the penitent. “How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest. “Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse.” The priest replied, “Well, that’s not so bad.” The penitent interrupted him. “Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage.” The priest then responded, “Now that’s a little more serious!” The penitent again interrupted the priest, “Father, I’ve got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!” With a look of shock, the priest then responded, “Well, that is most serious. I’m afraid that you’ll have to make a novena.” The penitent Amishman looked perplexed and then said, “Father, I don’t know what a novena is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber.”
Enjoy the links, feel free to submit your own Amish jokes and stories. Don’t forget to subscribe to The Funny Amish News, our free newsletter. Be sure to bookmark this page and come back often. New items added regularly. Your submissions accepted graciously.
Traditional Amish Enterprises, copyright 2000, 2019
Please PIN this photo. Thank you for your support.
This page is composed of 100% original content created by Dennis Regling. It is copyrighted and may not be shared without a link back to this page. Please respect my intellectual property rights. Thank you.
Top Ten Amish Bumper Stickers
I may be slow, but I’m ahead of you AND I got traffic backed-up 5 miles
Born to raise barns
My other buggy is a Mercedes
Eat my dust, but don’t step in my exhaust
Don’t Blame Me – I Didn’t Vote For Him or Anyone
I pray for higher gas prices
I brake for barn raisings
When the Amish are outlawed, only outlaws will be Amish
No…. I am not Harrison Ford
If this buggy is swayin’… I’m in here a prayin’
Top Ten Amish Putdowns – Amish With An Attitude
His hayloft is shy a few bales
The lantern is burning, but nobody is home
If I wasn’t non-resistant, you’d be dead
She’s got a face that would make the Bishop curse
He’s only Amish because he can’t spell Presbyterian
She may not be much to look at, but she sure can pull a plow
He’s slower than a goat-cart
His folks had 17 kids, hoping he’d get lost in the crowd.
He’s all buggy and no horse
“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –Oscar Wilde (Oscar Wilde wasn’t Amish, but this is a good one.)
The NUMBER ONE Amish compliment:
She’s so pretty, a feller can break 4 commandments just looking at her.
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
Drink molasses ’til you heave
Wet bonnet contest
Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
Buttermilk kegger
Blow past the Dairy Queen on a souped-up Clydesdale
Get a tattoo: “Born to raise barns”
Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
Sleep ’til 6 AM
Drive over to Sugarcreek and kick some Mennonite rear
Churn butter naked
Top Ten Amish Pick-up Lines
10. Are thee at barn-raisings often? 9. If our religion didn’t forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number. 8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada? 7. You’ve really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress. 6. Say, my favorite movie is Witness, too! 5. Are thee a model? 4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let’s go someplace quiet. 3. Thy buggy has a cool lacquer job. 2. I got Streisand tickets… 1. Are thee up for some plowing?
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble:
Yahoo Magazine (it once existed) actually stole and published this list and attributed it to David Letterman.
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!” 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.” 5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.” 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.” 2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.” 1. He’s wearing his big black hat backward.
The Top 10 Amish Horror Movies
Barnraiser
Rosemary’s Buggy
It Came from The Sharper Image
The Devil Wore Plaid
The Hand That Churns the Butter
Riding in Cars with Anyone
The Shunning
The Bare Wrist Project
The Pennsylvania Handsaw Massacre
Invasion of the Bonnet Snatchers
Top Ten Most Common Amish Names:
Amos Yoder
Amos Troyer
Amos Yoder-Troyer
Amos Miller
Eli Yoder
Eli Troyer
Eli Miller
Bishop Yoder
Eli Amos
Zebediah Schwartzentruber
Top Seven Amish Movies
Witness starring Harrison Ford
For Richer Or Poorer w/ Tim Allen
Kingpin w/ Woody Harrelson
Harvest of Fire (1996) starring Patty Duke
The Night They Raided Minsky’s (1968) w/ Britt Ekland
North w/ Bruce Willis
Bloodlines (1998)
Yes, these are real movies featuring Amish characters – check them out at your library.
It is said, Tears On Your Pillow Pie gets its name from the fact its a very thin pie and can collapse in the oven, which may have caused some tears in the kitchen in the past.
It is a classic Amish pie. You will love it! Simply follow the step-by-step instructions and soon you’ll be enjoying one of the best old-fashioned desserts out there!
1 /3 cup butter, melted
1 1 /2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 /2 cup evaporated milk
1-9 inch unbaked pie shell
Preheat oven to 350. In a large bowl, beat together the butter, brown sugar, eggs, flour, and milk until well-blended. Pour the filling into the pie shell. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes or until crust is golden brown. Turn off oven and leave the pie for 1 hour.
Left-over turkey? Here’s a great casserole recipe for using some of them up.
A wonderful meal for Sunday afternoon after church.
Be sure to invite company.
In a fast-paced world where instant gratification often takes precedence, there’s an enduring charm in recipes that honor tradition and demand patience. The Amish Overnight Turkey Casserole is a culinary masterpiece that not only tantalizes taste buds but also pays homage to the essence of slow-cooked goodness.
Rooted in the rich cultural heritage of the Amish community, this casserole is more than just a dish; it’s a testament to the values of simplicity, togetherness, and savoring the fruits of labor.
A Heritage of Flavors
The Amish Overnight Turkey Casserole boasts a symphony of flavors carefully woven together over time. It’s a harmony of tender turkey, savory vegetables, and aromatic herbs that meld together overnight, allowing each ingredient to infuse its essence into the dish.
The Beauty of Patience
The magic of this recipe lies in its requirement for patience. Allowing the flavors to meld and deepen overnight in the refrigerator is what elevates this dish from a regular casserole to a sublime culinary experience.
The Final Feast
As the Amish Overnight Turkey Casserole emerges from the oven, a tantalizing aroma fills the air, heralding the culmination of anticipation. The golden-brown hue, the bubbling cheese, and the inviting warmth beckon all to gather around the table.
This dish transcends mere sustenance; it embodies a legacy of culinary heritage, patience, and the joy of sharing a meal with loved ones. The first forkful unravels a medley of flavors that have matured and intertwined, creating a symphony that sings of tradition and comfort.
In a world that rushes by, the Amish Overnight Turkey Casserole reminds us to slow down, savor the moment, and appreciate the timeless art of cooking that brings families together.
Prepare this dish, and you’ll not only sate your hunger but also nourish your soul with the essence of tradition and the warmth of communal dining.
Ingredients:
2 cups cooked turkey, chopped
1/2 cup celery, diced
1/2 cup green pepper, diced
1/2 cup onion, diced
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
6 slices of bread
1 1/2 cups milk
3 eggs
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Optional: I like to add broccoli to mine. You can mix it in with the turkey and mayo, or put the little broccoli flowers on top and cover with cheese.
Directions:
In a bowl, combine turkey, celery, green pepper, onion, mayonnaise, salt and pepper. Cube the bread and place half in a large greased casserole dish or 9×13 inch baking pan. Pour turkey mixture over the top and add remaining bread cubes.
In a bowl, mix milk, eggs and cream of mushroom soup and pour over top of casserole.
Let stand in refrigerator overnight. Top with cheese and bake uncovered at 350 degrees for one hour.
Amish children finished with school with the completion of the 8th grade. They do not graduate in the way that most public school students understand graduation. While an Amsi mah student may get some congratulation after finishing his schooling, there is unlikely to be a great deal of pomp and celebration surrounding the event, largely because the Amish avoid displays of pride. One of the more frequently quoted verses of the Bible among the Amish when they are speaking of Education comes from 1 Corinthians 8:1-2, “Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.And if any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.”
Amish teens are usually 13 years old when they finished their schooling. At that point, many of them go to work, usually either at home or for a relative. Girls are given responsibilities at home, while the boys are sometimes allowed to go to work in Amish workshops and factories. For both boys and girls, it is a time to start learning the specific skills they will need to be productive in their community.
Even though they will now have more responsibilities at home, and may even have full-time jobs, they are not considered adults. They must still obey their parents. When they turn 16, however, teenagers among the Amish, the 16th birthday is an important milestone. At this age, an Amish teenager is considered old enough to decide for himself whether he would like to be baptized, thereby joining the Amish Church. As Anabaptists, the Amish baptize their members only as adults, so they have the option not to be baptized. In essence, they have the option not to become Amish themselves.
Beginning at age 16, young Amish people are given the freedom to explore their world to discover whether they themselves would like to become Amish church members.
Rumspringa
This period in their life is called Rumspringa, which means literally running around in German. It is the time in a young Amish person’s life when he can run around and experience the life of a non-Amish person. During this period, many parents allow their children to do things normally forbidden among the Amish.
They may dress like the “English”, (non-Amish are referred to as “English” since they speak English and not Pennsylvania Dutch), wearing the clothing of mainstream society, such as jeans and t-shirt. Amish teens might buy a car when they are 18, though girls very rarely do. Most Amish teenagers never stray far from their upbringing. For them, Rumspringa is it time to travel to other nearby honest settlement and make new friends. During this time, most Amish teens regain courting. Many become baptized only after they found the person they want to marry.
Once an Amish teenager decides to commit himself to his community he must accept the daily round of responsibilities that goes along with that commitment.
Baptism
Despite the temptations of the outside world, such as television, cars, music, and clothing, most Amish teens in Rumspringa choose to return to the Amish church and be baptized as members. In fact, eighty-five to ninety percent will join the church. This may seem surprising. However, several factors make the return to the Amish lifestyle much more appealing.
For one, the Amish teenager’s education. Without at least a high school education, their options are extremely limited. Few of them can find high-paying work, and what work is too often difficult and tedious, unskilled factory work, cleaning, cooking, for example. Some live for a few years on their own but eventually returned to the church because they realized they cannot compete for a good job.
Another issue facing teenagers who decide not to pursue the Amish life is the loss of friendship. Everyone they have ever known is Amish. The close network of friends, neighbors, and family who surrounded them in their youth will be gone if they choose not to be honest. This separation can be extremely painful and lonely.
Finally, there’s the simple fact that the Amish lifestyle is an attractive one for many, particularly those raised in it. Life without television, cars, and electric lights is not necessarily a boring or bad life. Amish people enjoy a great deal of social contact, even when they are working, laughing, joking, and laughing. Many Amish youths see no reason why they shouldn’t be baptized. They appreciate the spiritual values and close relationship of the community where they were raised.
Still, some Amish leave the Amish and do not become baptized members. These people become English, adopting modern ways as their own. Although they are no longer members of the Amish community, in some cases, they may continue their ties with their old friends and family.
Most Americans think of ourselves first as individuals and second as members of whatever community to which we belong. The Amish however generally think of themselves first and foremost as Amish. Their community defines their identity.
What Is Shunning And Why Do The Amish Do It?
Those who accept baptism and then later leave the Amish Church, however, can expect a different response from the people in their Community. Just as it did in 1693 when Jakob Amman led his followers to split from the Mennonites, the Amish believe in shunning those who stray from their faith.
The Amish believe baptism is a sacred and binding promise not to be taken lightly. Other Amish treat those who break that promise as though they no longer exist. Family members leave the room when their sibling or child who broke the promise of baptism enters the room. Other community members avoid that person, refusing to speak to, or even look at, the shunned individual.
Other Amish communities will also shun members who have left a different community of Amish than their own.
Shunning is the strongest punishment the Amish can use. As a punishment, it helps deter members from backing out on the vows they make through baptism and encourages people who are being shunned to rejoin the church and the Amish community. It is also used as a deterrent, helping members who are not being shunned to avoid any sorts of temptation the shunned individual may present. By avoiding be shunned individual, other community members offer any corrupting influences that individual may offer.
The goal of shunning, then, is not simply to direct the individual who breaks is baptismal vows back to the church. Rather, it is an attempt to try to maintain the integrity of the Amish community, just as the many rules of the ordinance are intended to safeguard the identity of the community. While it may be an exaggeration to say that everything the Amish do is focused on their Community, it is certainly accurate to say that they’re focused on their Community sets them apart from the mainstream society around them.
