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Top Ten Amish Bumper Stickers
- I may be slow, but I’m ahead of you AND I got traffic backed-up 5 miles
- Born to raise barns
- My other buggy is a Mercedes
- Eat my dust, but don’t step in my exhaust
- Don’t Blame Me – I Didn’t Vote For Him or Anyone
- I pray for higher gas prices
- I brake for barn raisings
- When the Amish are outlawed, only outlaws will be Amish
- No…. I am not Harrison Ford
- If this buggy is swayin’… I’m in here a prayin’
Top Ten Amish Putdowns – Amish With An Attitude
- His hayloft is shy a few bales
- The lantern is burning, but nobody is home
- If I wasn’t non-resistant, you’d be dead
- She’s got a face that would make the Bishop curse
- He’s only Amish because he can’t spell Presbyterian
- She may not be much to look at, but she sure can pull a plow
- He’s slower than a goat-cart
- His folks had 17 kids, hoping he’d get lost in the crowd.
- He’s all buggy and no horse
- “He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –Oscar Wilde (Oscar Wilde wasn’t Amish, but this is a good one.)
The NUMBER ONE Amish compliment:
She’s so pretty, a feller can break 4 commandments just looking at her.
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
- Drink molasses ’til you heave
- Wet bonnet contest
- Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
- Buttermilk kegger
- Blow past the Dairy Queen on a souped-up Clydesdale
- Get a tattoo: “Born to raise barns”
- Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
- Sleep ’til 6 AM
- Drive over to Sugarcreek and kick some Mennonite rear
- Churn butter naked
Top Ten Amish Pick-up Lines
10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn’t forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You’ve really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is Witness, too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let’s go someplace quiet.
3. Thy buggy has a cool lacquer job.
2. I got Streisand tickets…
1. Are thee up for some plowing?
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble:
Yahoo Magazine (it once existed) actually stole and published this list and attributed it to David Letterman.
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backward.
The Top 10 Amish Horror Movies
- Barnraiser
- Rosemary’s Buggy
- It Came from The Sharper Image
- The Devil Wore Plaid
- The Hand That Churns the Butter
- Riding in Cars with Anyone
- The Shunning
- The Bare Wrist Project
- The Pennsylvania Handsaw Massacre
- Invasion of the Bonnet Snatchers
Top Ten Most Common Amish Names:
- Amos Yoder
- Amos Troyer
- Amos Yoder-Troyer
- Amos Miller
- Eli Yoder
- Eli Troyer
- Eli Miller
- Bishop Yoder
- Eli Amos
- Zebediah Schwartzentruber
Top Seven Amish Movies
- Witness starring Harrison Ford
- For Richer Or Poorer w/ Tim Allen
- Kingpin w/ Woody Harrelson
- Harvest of Fire (1996) starring Patty Duke
- The Night They Raided Minsky’s (1968) w/ Britt Ekland
- North w/ Bruce Willis
- Bloodlines (1998)
Yes, these are real movies featuring Amish characters – check them out at your library.